The regrets that stay are often about who we hoped to be.
Researchers Asked People About Their Biggest Regrets. Most Were Not About Duties Missed. They Were About the Person They Hoped to Become.
In 2018, two psychologists asked people to sort their regrets, and found that one kind outlasted the other.
Think of something you always meant to do. A **song you meant to learn.** A **trip you meant to take.** A **kind of parent or friend you meant to be.**
Two psychologists, Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich, asked people to sort their regrets into two kinds: **failures of duty** (what you felt you ought to do) and **failures of hope** (who you wished you could be). **Most regrets fell into the second group,** and the second group was the one that lingered.
It was not a study about families or recordings. Still, it points at something plain: **the things we never got around to are the things we carry.**
1. What the researchers did
Across **six studies with hundreds of participants,** people were given a short description of the difference between their **ought self** (their duties and obligations) and their **ideal self** (their hopes, goals and dreams).
They then **listed their regrets and sorted them,** and some were asked about their single biggest one.
Duties on one side. Hopes on the other. Then people chose where their regrets belonged.
2. What they found
About **72 percent** of the regrets people sorted were about the **ideal self,** and about 28 percent were about the ought self. When asked for their **single biggest regret,** **76 percent** named a failure to become the person they hoped to be.
People also said **duty regrets were more likely to get fixed,** and those who described a **resolved** regret leaned toward duty, while those describing **unfinished business** leaned toward hopes.
The regrets that never got settled were mostly about who they wished they had been.
3. What it can and cannot tell us
Participants **sorted their own regrets,** and many came from an online survey panel. The authors **do not claim** that fixing duties more often is the only reason hope regrets last. We read the Cornell press coverage and a research digest, not the full paper, so this page states **no exact sample size.**
It **did not test families, recordings, or life stories.** What it gently suggests is that **the hopes we never act on do not fade on their own.** One way to act on one is to **say it out loud to someone who will keep it.**
Telling it is a small way to start closing something that stayed open.
The ideal road not takenDavidai and Gilovich, Emotion, 2018 (the title of the paper)
What you get with LifeScribe
- A 2018 study in Emotion by Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich asked people to sort their regrets into duty and hope.
- It ran six studies with hundreds of participants.
- About 72 percent of sorted regrets were about the ideal self, and 76 percent of people named an ideal-self regret as their biggest.
- Resolved regrets leaned toward duty, and unresolved ones toward hopes.
- People sorted their own regrets, and the study did not test families or recordings.
- Built on documented research: Emotion, 18(3), 439 to 452, 2018.
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What did the study find?
About 72 percent of the regrets people sorted were about their hopes and dreams rather than their duties, and 76 percent named a hope-related regret as their single biggest one.
Who wrote it?
Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich, published in Emotion, volume 18, issue 3, pages 439 to 452, in 2018.
Did it study families or recordings?
No. It asked people to sort their own regrets. This page makes no claim that it applies to family recordings or life stories.
Why might hope regrets last longer?
The authors suggest people act on duty regrets more often, so those get settled. They say it is a key factor, not the only one.
Why does it matter for a life story?
It suggests unfinished hopes stay with people. A story told out loud and kept gives them somewhere to go.